Janice Tosto in Scotland back in January. (Photo: Tosto)
It’s nearly 11 p.m. on a recent Saturday night.
I was at Veterans Boxers Association Ring 1 in Kensington in Philadelphia, listening to my friend Andrew Mann and his garage punk band Problem Addict. They’re performing songs including “Hide and Seek,” “Back in Jail Again,” “It’s A Joke,” and “Dead Tonight.” One of the band members is dressed like the Grim Reaper! I’m smiling, laughing, and nodding my head to the music. I’m having fun!
This scene is a far cry from four years ago, when I could not listen to any music but classical. My beloved friend Bill had died unexpectedly, and my grief was deep. I felt shattered. Grief had temporarily robbed me of music and feelings of joy.
After Bill’s death, I did research on grief to better understand what I was feeling and learn how I could live with my grief.
And in early 2022, when I channeled my grief into creating and hosting a monthly radio program on grief on G-Town Radio called “Grief Journeys,” my understanding of grief grew as I spoke with guests who had experienced grief and were teaching and supporting other grievers.
What is Grief?
In December 2024, Crystal Wortham, the Executive Director of the Uplift Center for Grieving Children, appeared on my radio program in an episode titled “Grief, Grief Reminders and Memories.”
She defined grief as follows: “Grief is a natural and normal reaction to the loss of someone or something significant in your life or to change. We experience grief in our entire being, that’s right, with our minds, body, and soul. And our grief may impact our thoughts, those feelings, behaviors, and physical reactions.”
She added, “And just like everything else, our grief changes and evolves, so we must learn how to deal with it and live through and with our grief.”
The First Year
During my first year of grieving, I was in the intense “Shockwave” phase of my grief.
This phase was created by psychotherapist and author Robert Jackman, who appeared on my February 2024 show “Loss, Grief, and The Tender Path of Grief and Loss.” In his book “The Tender Path of Grief and Loss” (Practical Wisdom Press, 2023), he describes the newly bereaved as “the walking dead.”
That’s exactly how I felt.
“We get slammed with this reality we don’t want to look at,” explained Jackman.
I went through this phase of feeling numb, being in denial, crying all the time, not wanting to live, feeling angry, and confused. I could not listen to any music but classical for over six months. Feeling any kind of joy was rare.
To get through it, I had to acknowledge my feelings, get up every day, and keep moving. There were hard days, but I pushed through. I started journaling and talking to Bill each day, telling him he was loved and missed. It helped that I received signs from Bill, usually special songs. Bill was telling me that he was gone physically, but was alive in spirit.
As my life was moving forward, I still struggled with feeling joy. Psychotherapist and Germantown resident Sonya Kearney talked about grief and joy in a May 2023 “Grief Journeys” episode, “Nothing Is Wrong With You, It’s Grief.”
She explained: “Feeling joy happens even when you’ve had a loss or death. There are moments of joy, remembering the person, remembering positive things. But sometimes in our culture, there’s this belief that we’re not supposed to be happy. “I just had a tragic loss, death, why am I happy?” But it’s okay to experience some joy.”
Change Over Time
Time progressed, and I learned to live with my loss and incorporate grief and joy into my life. My life priorities shifted. Family and community became more important to me. And doing my radio show became my ministry to support other grievers.
I found that I started to live again. I could listen to all types of music. I could laugh. I could feel moments of happiness and joy.
Each June, I broadcast a “Deathaversary” episode to commemorate Bill’s death anniversary. I find that my Deathaversary programs serve as a barometer of my grief. Each show has demonstrated my growth and healing over the past four years.
My first show was about my first year’s grief journey—the pain, the sadness, the feelings of hopelessness. But I was also able to celebrate my friendship with Bill and remind myself that I must move forward.
My second show was special—I took segments of a film Bill was working on and turned them into an audio documentary about our old neighborhood in the Bronx, New York City.
The following two “Deathaversary” shows were filled with music I loved. This year, I aired a musical tribute to Quincy Jones, whom Bill and I both loved. My” Deathaversary” shows honor death and celebrate life.
I continue making room for celebrating and experiencing joy on my grief journey.
A Grief Awareness Day Message
As Psychotherapist Sonya Kearney stated, “Feeling joy happens even when you have had a loss or death.”
Don’t feel guilty when you find yourself smiling, laughing, or hanging out on a Saturday night vibing to some great music!
Uplift Center for Grieving Children Executive Director Crystal Wortham offers grievers this quote by famed psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one: you will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”
On this Grief Awareness Day, I want to remind grievers, in Germantown and beyond, that grief and joy can co-exist.
Janice Tosto is the creator and host of “Grief Journeys,” heard on G-Town Radio. In 2024, she completed the Community Journalism for Civic Power course sponsored by Resolve Philly, Journalism + Design at the New School, and the Institute for Community Engagement and Civic Leadership at the Community College of Philadelphia. Tosto later joined the Philly Documenters Program with Resolve Philly, where she took notes for government meetings on police oversight and transportation. She is also a staunch advocate for public transit.